Compulsive Incoherence

After a long break, I am here today to express my views about something that I have been observing quite closely of late. It is an art I suppose, an art that come naturally to most men and yet there are some who excel in it. There are some who, with sheer practice and unyielding motivation, manage to make their presence felt in every sense of that word. It is…….. the art ……..of bird watching.

I work in a software firm where the ratio of women is considerably lower than that of men (though statistically the company has relatives better men: women ratios than others). This skewed ratio sex ratio often forces several men to levels of depression and desperation that are deplorable. There is a drastic fall in the standards of which women are considered to be attractive and which ones clearly do not fit the bill. Hypothetically, Sundaravalli, who was never really the talk of town and for who the closest thing to a compliment received was when the class nerd told her that she had something in her eye that was making it look green, is suddenly the “maal” of the ODC (that’s offshore development centre for the uninitiated) and life is never the same for her. And it is this that that fosters a new generation of people to be born, the sincere and avid BIRD WATCHERS (tha tha thaaaaaa!!!!)

Based on my study I have divided this fast growing community/species into 3. These are of course based on the specimens ( pun intended) in office alone since that is where I spend considerably more time than anywhere else( pathetic admittedly but hey at least I’m honest!). If you come across (or are ) any other types please do get back to me on this……….. I know it must be a matter of study for several people.

The first category is the people I call the “Cheapsters”. Etymologically, the word is cheap (sasta, chaalu, low in cost often meaning dignity)+ ster( one who is) . As is obvious, these are definitely the ones on the highest levels of desperation. These are the ones who, even if they have acres of land next to them enough for a couple of teams to play football in will still bump into you in the queue or even when you’re just plain walking. These are the most unpleasant of the lot and it takes a great degree of shamelessness to be inducted into this group in the first place.

The second category is the people I called the “database experts”. For those who are bewildered let me tell you the inherent database formation attribute of these people is what I am referring to. These are the people who, once they have zeroed in on a candidate, will, in a matter of days find out every detail regarding the person in question. This will include obvious details like what floor does she work on, which project, where does she live, what bus does she board……to the slightly ambitious …..who’s her best friend, does she have a boyfriend, is it long distance(haha!! can be infiltrated) or is he in the office( damn! no scope) to the highly impressive….. fathers name, native place, mother’s second cousins family’s details, preference in food and yes even frequency a which she blinks her eyes. These are the chaps I respect for their dogged determination and their PR skills for it is not an easy task to cross question so many people without arousing some level of suspicion. Sure if there ever is an information leak at the company these will be the first ones to be under the guillotine but hey! It really does not matter in the bigger picture now does it?? They take the “information” revolution to a whole new level!! I knew a guy belonging to this class and he’s onsite now and I can only hope he is continuing to fall in love as often as he used to in India with the same zest for information and database expansion!

The third category of people is the ones I call the “Rocket Scientist Bird Watchers”(RSBW shall we in true bollywood style?)Now RSBWs are the ones who have a much more platonic relationship with the subjects in question. They are not caught in the physical attributes (ok that would not be entirely true) and least of all in the intellectual abilities of the girl. They are merely connoisseurs of beauty. They watch from a distance and they are content. But what is laudable indeed is the precision with which they trace the path of these subjects. A very good friend of mine is nothing short of a veteran in the field and I have often seen people worship the soil beneath his feet for his “powers”. I used to underestimate the skill needed but thankfully once I did the very prudent thing of sitting opposite him when one of his subjects walked in. Now I was sitting with my back to her but I knew exactly what she was doing. She walked in and somewhere near the first pillar in the cafeteria she must’ve dropped something probably a handkerchief. Here my friend’s eyes stalled and bent down as she was picking it up. Then she moved to the line picked up the food. It took longer than normal but my friend’s unblinking eyes timed that too and she then proceeded to sit in the third table from ours. This is where my friend’s eyes stopped and then he continued to eat. Phew! That was an experience and all this was not conjecture. It was based on the exact science of how his eyes traced the whole trajectory of the subject. I now know how ISRO scientists must make hypothetical flight plans for vehicles.

Ok now comes the second disclaimer. I mean no offence of course and I have to say this is something that has given me constant amusement in office hours. It is what sheds some light into an otherwise monotonous life and I sincerely applaud the efforts of all the people who are carrying this popular art forward. Of course, all of the above is fictitious. Any resemblance to anybody dead or alive is purely co-incidental (except about two of my friends…that is very deliberate !!)

I like the company i work for.
Having made that statement, i know a lot of my friends are hiring popular goons of renowned skills to beat me up and my roomates are probably making plans of what type of poison to employ to see to it that i discontinue making such statements( or any other statement) ever again. But i categorically state ….I like the company i work for.
I like it for the fact that it has no pretences. The company i work for is a mediocre company. It hires mediocre ppl all of who do mediocre things to achieve mediocre targets and get paid mediocre salaries. Medeocrity is a way of life and no pretences are made to hide it. Every day, every breathing hour, it is made sure that you realise theat you are  essentially, a mediocre person, who has no other option probably and you’re not gettin a break anywhere else and thus, you’re still here.It is painful at first but that is what the company i work for teaches you. It tells you gently " Sweetheart there is so so much shit in the world that you’ll never run short of it. Just when you think enough shit has been thrown in your  face fear no more for lo and behold! a little more shit will be hurled in your face be sure of that !!!"  And for this wisdom and learning I have to say I like the company i work for.

I have used the cliche "Necessity is the mother of invention" often but the company i work for has taught me that Necessity has , in fact,  mothered many other offspring as well like motivation, drive and the ability to realise that your self respect is being smashed slowly and meticulisly in tiny itty bitty pieces and  and you better do something to get out of that:) It has driven me to desperately grope, to find other avenues just to escape this. Because it is not a good feeling to be reminded, every breathing hour, that you are in fact a mediocre person, who has no other option probably and you’re not gettin a break anywhere else and thus, you’re still here. And for this motivation and this drive I like the company i work for.

And the best of all is of course,maximizin memory. I remember my brother and I used to laugh out loud at these advertistments on "Tele shoppin network" for products  quite plainly named "Memory power" where this dude helped you to remember everyday things like numbers and ppls names and birthdays n stuff. Ajay my man, the company i work for is a memory power tool in itself!!! By chance, just by chance, the statistical probability of wehich is even lower than that of George Bush growing a brain( yup, that low!), if one day you forget you’re unhappy and cheerully  board the buses to office, the trasport kicks right into action to use their own version of "Memory Power" of reminding you that you are just one in a huge humoungous crowd and you really dont matter frankly. And that my friend is something  the "HArry somebody’s Memory Power tool" will never achieve!!!  The buses are jam packed to say the least. Ppl usually use the phrases "part of the crowd" or "rat race" casually but the company i work for illustrates this to you on a daily regular basis. The scurryng and pushing and shoving done to get a place in the bus is nothin short of being a hindi block buster movie. it has action, comedy, drama all in varying and potent proportions!!I think Karan johar has his next movie "BUS .. aur nahi!!!" based on the company buses starring SRK playin an employee who is dying of head concussions due to regualr bumps rendereed by the rather violently moving bus who falls in love with the girl who is standing so close to him everyday (owing purely to the crowd of course) that she has to be peeled off him at the end of the journey each day played by none other than Preity. You’ll see this short, fat , dark girl in the movie in the bus as one of the extras. yup thats me! i’m the one with the plastered hand and bandaged head( last friday man! too much traffic and i hit the dashboard). Believe be no other company gives you a chance to be up close and personal( literally for i know intimate details of what brand of garments they wear, what perfume they use,any boils or contrusions on any part of their body and even what they had for breakfast:)) with so many ppl you dont even know to an extent that you see the whole company as a fraternity.  And for this brotherhood, this closeness I like the company i work for.

Of course there are a few things that are deterents to my "liking " for this collosal name. For instance I have met abs amazing ppl here who’re smart, sweet and have done nothin to deserve this:)These are gonna be ppl i’ll miss later in life and i know i’ll cherish them  and all the times we’ve had. And sometimes  i think it dilutes my "liking". I mean , i hate conflicting feelins. Moreover, I know this is Bangalore and there are a lot of ppl out there with no food and n shelter coz they dont have a job and beleive me I’m not denying that I’m fortunate on that count. But its just that… for those of you who have watched the move  " the pursuit of happiness" u’d kknow this…,everytime i did well in some paper or any of my profs told me i was doing a good job in college i alwys thought that was a precursor to a great career. That i was meant to do great work. And when within a year of passing out of college all of those misconception( as i now call them , the cynic that i am) come shattering down it hurts and it hurts bad. thats it. but at he end of it all, for all this and all that i am yet to see…. i have to say…. i like " the company i work for"

P.S. It is a four letter word( very apt i must sy) and it rhymes with Bata

Let me begin by telling you that I have loads n loads of work right now at office. But I have to write this coz it has to come out. Its like vomit. The more you hold it in the worse its gonna make you feel. It might be ugly and it might make you feel sick but once its over with its a huge comfort. So ladies and gentleman….. let me vomit!!

Flashback to kintergarten!!! My first real friend was this girl called Stella in Baroda. She was nice n sweet ( from what I remember) n I think we were "best friends" based on the fact that we shared the same seat. It was that simple.Stella and I shared lunch, pulled each others pigtails as a sign of displeasure, giggled occasionally.. basically we were everything that was expected of two 5 yr olds and life was simple My major concerns at that age were merely:
1. Has mom packed a sweet for lunch?
2. Will Stella ask for that sweet?
3. What excuse will I make to see to it that I keep the sweet and don’t get my pigtails pulled?
End of Part one.

My second "best friend" ( I like the casual way in which superlatives such as this are used)was this guy called Aditya. Aditya and I were "best friends" based on the fact that we were neighbors and also that Aditya didn’t have much of a choice. By the time I was 10 I was all assertive and bossy already and I think Aditya’s opinion about being my "best friend"( cant get over this) was not really considered to be of value. Aditya and I had a lot in common or at least I saw to it that whatever was going on in his life was immediately repeated in mine. When he bought a cycle I saw to it that bought one. When he wrote a poem about God for the children’s newspaper, I wrote a poem about God for the children’s newspaper. When he got a double promotion, I tried to get one. I didn’t succeed on that one. You get the idea I suppose.Well, my major concerns during this time were merely:
1. How do I get a better rank than Aditya?
2. How do I ride the bike better than Aditya?
3. How do I write a better poem than Aditya?
End of Part two.

Another  "best friend" during this time was my friend Pooja. Pooja and I actually have a lot in common ( although whether was it innate or acquired after having spent so much time together I really cannot say) and we’ve practically grown up together so that wouldn’t really fit here now.
End of Part two and a half.

Cut to present day!!! I’m 23 and I work at a rather boring 9 to 5 job. Most of my friends are in the US and I’m depressed most of the time bout not having the same old names flsh on my phone screen every now and then. What I have realized is this. When you’re younger fewer things affect you. Somehow you’re more secure mostly because you are aware of very little. Therefore, on that front, I’d prob say my friendships with Aditya or Stella and many others then were probably outrageously successful. You spent enough time together, you didn’t hurt each other (except during sweet sharing expeditions and if you see me you’ll know why I seem  o have such an affinity to food articles in general and sweets in particular:)) and most importantly they were always around. Right now if I want to be really good friends (after 14 you just outgrow the "best friend" concept) I’d actually have to ponder over the following points

1. Is this person nice?
2. Girl or guy ( additionally straight or gay)? (very imp question coz close friendships with the opposite sex can be tricky)?
3. Do we have things in common?
4. Is he/she friends with anyone I hate/ find annoying?
5. Do we have common friends?
   5a) If yes are any of these friends people I wouldn’t wanna have friends in common with?
   5b) If no is it because point no. 3 has an answer in the negative?
6. Is this somebody I will be able to call whenever I want to talk?
7. Does he/she already have another close friend alias "best friend" in the vincinity?( this is a very imp point actually. Territorial behaviour is quite common in "close friendhood". Much like territorial predators two close friends cannot survive on the same territory ( by which I mean the person in question) and so this is always to be ascertained)
8. Physically are they in the vicinity so that going to the friends place or meeting up when needed might be possible?
9. How feasible is it to talk on the phone/ send sms regularly?
10. Most importantly are they just as interested to be your close friend as you are to be theirs?

As you can imagine.. the list of questions (and the insecurities) is endless. Frankly I’m tired. I’m tired of all the calculating, all the fore thought, after thought, paranoia, hope and despair that goes into making new friends. It really is too much of work. Especially if you’re as emotionally vulnerable  (euphemism for a complete idiot with little or no emotional intelligence) like me, its easy to get hurt over  n over again. Which is what is happening now. Its easy to think that cutting off is the best solution or that its a slow process but when you’re part of the process believe me its not fun.

k vomit over:) n yes its a relief. I don’t remember when things got so complex. I cant remember when I stopped enjoying the whole process of scanning a group, finding the interesting people, getting to know them, sharing information…. the works. I cannot remember when it stopped becoming fun and started being a tedious odious job I did not look forward to. And what I hatet he most is that though i haev lost the motivation to make new friends I need new friends more than ever. I think this is premature senility. Or maybe its just depression. bad phase. wrong place. Tautology can be exploited to the maximum. Whatever it is , I hope it ends soon.

There is no end to this part.