Compulsive Incoherence

Let me begin by telling you that I have loads n loads of work right now at office. But I have to write this coz it has to come out. Its like vomit. The more you hold it in the worse its gonna make you feel. It might be ugly and it might make you feel sick but once its over with its a huge comfort. So ladies and gentleman….. let me vomit!!

Flashback to kintergarten!!! My first real friend was this girl called Stella in Baroda. She was nice n sweet ( from what I remember) n I think we were "best friends" based on the fact that we shared the same seat. It was that simple.Stella and I shared lunch, pulled each others pigtails as a sign of displeasure, giggled occasionally.. basically we were everything that was expected of two 5 yr olds and life was simple My major concerns at that age were merely:
1. Has mom packed a sweet for lunch?
2. Will Stella ask for that sweet?
3. What excuse will I make to see to it that I keep the sweet and don’t get my pigtails pulled?
End of Part one.

My second "best friend" ( I like the casual way in which superlatives such as this are used)was this guy called Aditya. Aditya and I were "best friends" based on the fact that we were neighbors and also that Aditya didn’t have much of a choice. By the time I was 10 I was all assertive and bossy already and I think Aditya’s opinion about being my "best friend"( cant get over this) was not really considered to be of value. Aditya and I had a lot in common or at least I saw to it that whatever was going on in his life was immediately repeated in mine. When he bought a cycle I saw to it that bought one. When he wrote a poem about God for the children’s newspaper, I wrote a poem about God for the children’s newspaper. When he got a double promotion, I tried to get one. I didn’t succeed on that one. You get the idea I suppose.Well, my major concerns during this time were merely:
1. How do I get a better rank than Aditya?
2. How do I ride the bike better than Aditya?
3. How do I write a better poem than Aditya?
End of Part two.

Another  "best friend" during this time was my friend Pooja. Pooja and I actually have a lot in common ( although whether was it innate or acquired after having spent so much time together I really cannot say) and we’ve practically grown up together so that wouldn’t really fit here now.
End of Part two and a half.

Cut to present day!!! I’m 23 and I work at a rather boring 9 to 5 job. Most of my friends are in the US and I’m depressed most of the time bout not having the same old names flsh on my phone screen every now and then. What I have realized is this. When you’re younger fewer things affect you. Somehow you’re more secure mostly because you are aware of very little. Therefore, on that front, I’d prob say my friendships with Aditya or Stella and many others then were probably outrageously successful. You spent enough time together, you didn’t hurt each other (except during sweet sharing expeditions and if you see me you’ll know why I seem  o have such an affinity to food articles in general and sweets in particular:)) and most importantly they were always around. Right now if I want to be really good friends (after 14 you just outgrow the "best friend" concept) I’d actually have to ponder over the following points

1. Is this person nice?
2. Girl or guy ( additionally straight or gay)? (very imp question coz close friendships with the opposite sex can be tricky)?
3. Do we have things in common?
4. Is he/she friends with anyone I hate/ find annoying?
5. Do we have common friends?
   5a) If yes are any of these friends people I wouldn’t wanna have friends in common with?
   5b) If no is it because point no. 3 has an answer in the negative?
6. Is this somebody I will be able to call whenever I want to talk?
7. Does he/she already have another close friend alias "best friend" in the vincinity?( this is a very imp point actually. Territorial behaviour is quite common in "close friendhood". Much like territorial predators two close friends cannot survive on the same territory ( by which I mean the person in question) and so this is always to be ascertained)
8. Physically are they in the vicinity so that going to the friends place or meeting up when needed might be possible?
9. How feasible is it to talk on the phone/ send sms regularly?
10. Most importantly are they just as interested to be your close friend as you are to be theirs?

As you can imagine.. the list of questions (and the insecurities) is endless. Frankly I’m tired. I’m tired of all the calculating, all the fore thought, after thought, paranoia, hope and despair that goes into making new friends. It really is too much of work. Especially if you’re as emotionally vulnerable  (euphemism for a complete idiot with little or no emotional intelligence) like me, its easy to get hurt over  n over again. Which is what is happening now. Its easy to think that cutting off is the best solution or that its a slow process but when you’re part of the process believe me its not fun.

k vomit over:) n yes its a relief. I don’t remember when things got so complex. I cant remember when I stopped enjoying the whole process of scanning a group, finding the interesting people, getting to know them, sharing information…. the works. I cannot remember when it stopped becoming fun and started being a tedious odious job I did not look forward to. And what I hatet he most is that though i haev lost the motivation to make new friends I need new friends more than ever. I think this is premature senility. Or maybe its just depression. bad phase. wrong place. Tautology can be exploited to the maximum. Whatever it is , I hope it ends soon.

There is no end to this part.